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 Auctioning Elected Offices
by Tom Campbell
September 28, 2006
Election Day in North Carolina is a mere five weeks away. This campaign has been dubbed a “blue moon” election, owing to the fact that only once every blue moon is there an election with no major statewide races such as U.S. Senator or Governor on the ballot.
Election followers are highly skeptical that there are candidates or issues that will motivate voters to go to the polls on November 7th. Predictions are that fewer than 30 percent of the state’s registered voters will cast ballots.
We conducted exhaustive research to determine why a growing number of people would rather watch poker matches on TV than go vote. Expecting to hear that voter apathy could be directly pegged to crooked politicians or a belief that their vote didn’t matter, the results of our intense and unquestionably accurate polling produced startling results. The vast majority didn’t know there was an election, followed by a group who reported that their favorite TV, movie, or music performers had not yet told them for whom to vote. We got the usual claims they had to wash clothes, play video games, or watch paint dry. One even stated that elections were demeaning exercises and beneath him, stating voting was for other people. At the end of the survey we concluded all of these were very legitimate reasons for not voting.
So, if voting isn’t important, why spend the millions that it costs to have registrars and print ballots? Why give postal carriers hernias carrying the seemingly endless onslaught of mail that pretty much looks alike? Why load down the phone company’s lines with recorded voice messages that always seem to cut off the first few words of the opening sentence anyway, causing you to wonder just who to cuss for interrupting your dinner? Why clog up the TV and radio airways with ads that are little better than the constant harangue of pharmaceutical ads that leave you questioning what you were supposed to ask your doctor about? Besides, at the end of the day the candidate with the most bucks wins anyway.
Perhaps there is a better, more efficient way to select those who would represent us, whether on the local, state, or national level. Since the person with the most cash on hip always wins, why not just auction off the seats? Think of it. Whoever pays the highest price would be declared our Senator, Governor, or Mayor. It’s quick, painless, and we can go back to watching lottery drawings, staged wrestling matches, or dancing with the recently departed.
We could take the proceeds from the auctions and give them to the unit of government where the winner would ultimately serve. What justice for the winner to truly be buying a job…and priming the pump with a little extra money for the inevitable perks. Would it be too good to envision an officeholder paying for a lobbyist’s meal? At least we could justify when that “elected” official acted in self-serving ways. After all, they bought and paid for the office, fair and square.
Of course, those elected would be rich, almost entirely white, and likely older. Come to think of it, this wouldn’t be much of a change. They could meet and make the decisions that best served them and their friends. No change there, either.
The more we think of it, the more this auction idea makes sense. It would cost less, might even reduce our taxes (if the bidding was high enough), and our government likely would not function much differently. But then there’s this nagging question. Is this what we really want?
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