| mySPIN |
 I’m So Tired of the Name Calling that I’m Running for Governor
by Tom Campbell
November 8, 2007
After fifteen minutes of consideration standing in line at the grocery, and a full discussion with my dog, Toasty, while taking him to walk to do his business, I am formally announcing my candidacy for Governor in 2008. What prompted this decision?
I don’t know about you but I am already tired of the name calling and insults from the two Democrats who are in the running. They’re acting like my children of long ago in the back seat of the car, whining over who crossed the imaginary dividing line. We deserve better that this. If neither has any serious issues or potential solutions to talk about, get off the stage and let me on.
Standing in line, scanning the covers of the gossip magazines I was tempted to ask somebody famous like Michael Jordan, James Taylor or that hottie from Kinston, who is on My Name is Earl, to be my campaign manager, but none of them has even played a governor on TV. Now if Andy Griffith wants to sign on, that’s another matter. Andy has a head full of common sense.
For the record, I do not belong to either the Democratic or Republican Party. Not that they wouldn’t have me, but much like Groucho Marx, I wouldn’t belong to any party that would accept me as a member. I am running as a candidate of the “Do Anything” Party. I figure we’ve had enough from the do-nothing folks, so I propose to do something, anything. I carefully constructed my campaign platform while unloading the groceries and I plan to unveil it to you over the next several weeks. That should drive up readership!
To keep you interested I am going to share one knotty-pine plank from my platform. My first act as Governor will be to call a Special Session of the legislature, open up a case of Cheerwine, pass out some packages of Lance peanuts (I’m trying to get Cheerwine and Lance to be official sponsors of my campaign so I can put their decals on my 2002 campaign minivan) and urge them to put a Constitutional Amendment on the ballot to repeal gubernatorial succession, starting with me. I figure that after four years of my administration I will have busted up so many playhouses that nobody would re-elect me anyway. My plan would be to allow the guv to serve one six-year term. If the state’s top exec can’t “getter done” in six years they need to be sent home.
Concurrent with the first change in the Constitution, I want another that will limit the number of terms the House Speaker or Senate President Pro Tem can serve. If they aren’t willing to see to reason I will close the legislative cafeteria and take away their designated parking spaces at the legislature. Talk about hitting them where it hurts! Now that’s doing something.
The plain truth is, that bunch that founded this country had a pretty healthy distrust of politicians staying in office too long. I know. Tom Jefferson had slaves, and George Washington had wooden teeth, and John Adams was crotchety. But they were pretty right about power corrupting even the best of folks, so we can’t allow too few with too much power to stay too long.
Now isn’t this better than worrying about whether someone lied about their age or misrepresented their academic credentials? You’re gonna like this campaign so much you might want to shake down some fat cat contributors. But that’s next week’s plank. In the meantime, help me come up with a catchy campaign slogan.
|
|
