Disciple DeSantis? It's easier than he thinks

Is anyone surprised Ron DeSantis said recently he wished he could have been one of the Apostles? Here’s the Good News, Ron. You don’t have to sigh moonily in a TV interview about what could’ve been. No! Real discipleship is as close as your nearest food pantry and soup kitchen. It’s as close as the shelters offering sanctuary to victims of domestic violence, human trafficking and hate crimes for just being who they are…Dare I say it, Ron…it’s as near as the border where asylum-seekers are used as political pawns and dropped onto cold sidewalks for a photo opp.

That’s right, Ron! Your lamentations are unnecessary! Cast off that hair shirt and become a modern-day disciple! But wait! There’s more Good News! You can start today. You don’t have to be sad that you missed the boat, so to speak, by not being around 2,000 years ago. You can be a fisher of men today! (And women, of course, but I didn’t wanna scare you.)

To see your eyes all lit up like that talking about how wonderful it would be to learn how to “be” from Jesus himself, well, it was quite compelling. Or something.

Cynics are saying you would say just about anything to make sure the Evangelical voting bloc supports you for president. Including saying on national TV you want, more than anything, to follow the teachings of a dark-skinned itinerant carpenter who spent all day advocating for poor folks.

Hey, that’s what you said. You honestly would chuck it all, the fame, the fortune, the fresh-squeezed orange juice at the mansion every morning if you could just become one of the starting 12? Sure, it sounds a little “left Coast” to admire someone whose entire life was all about easing the suffering of the least of these, but you’ll figure something out.

Listening to aspiring Disciple DeSantis describe his desire for a closer walk with someone who eschewed money and power every single time in favor of the “meek” was heartening to say the least. Good on you, Ron!

Now here’s the part where a naysayer would say: “That’s not what he meant! The Lord helps those who help themselves.”

And naysayers, as usual, are wrong. That’s why they have such a silly name. While Jesus was a fan of a good work ethic, he understood equity.

Ron, as an aspiring Apostle, you will toss that old playbook of misogyny and meanness onto the fire where it will smolder with the ashes of science textbooks and anything about two daddies. You will create a new playbook in which you put Christian principles in action instead of school principals in jail.

Ron 2.0 is gonna be…woke! No longer will woke go to die in Florida! Disciple Ron will know being woke is a good thing, not just something to be hissed at a teleprompter by some shiny face on Fox.

Celia Rivenbark is a damn funny NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Write to her at celiarivenbark@gmail.com.