It's rush season for Trump veeps

Published July 4, 2024

By Celia Rivenbark

When the big envelope arrived at the homes of Trump’s presumed top choices for vice president recently, the vetting documents were surely greeted with the delighted squeals of a giddy freshman winning a bid to her dream sorority.

Doug Burgum, Marco Rubio, Tim Scott and J.D. Vance are believed to be front runners thanks to implementing such extreme levels of toadying and sucking up that even jaded politicians are impressed.

Did they jump up and down and, like, totally call each other with loud and highly insincere congrats? Hmmm, maybe they met in person to celebrate…

Vance: “OK, guys. No matter who President Trump picks, I hope you all know that in my book you’re ALL winners. It’s just like I was telling Don Jr. the other day while we were wrestling gators or something else totally not made up…”

Burgum: (sarcastic) “Oh, do you know Don Jr.? I didn’t realize you were close. You only mention it every other minute.”

Vance: “I’m sorry. What was your name again?”

Burgum: “Very funny. I’m Doug Burgum, Governor of North Dakota! Fun fact: Mrs. Burgum and I have flown on President Trump’s plane more than any other veep candidate.”

Rubio: “North Dakota! Don’t make me spit my water out. Seriously. Don’t. Look, I’ve got the edge. Donald Trump doesn’t know you’re alive unless he slams you with a few soul-crushing insults. Remember how he called me “Little Marco?” How he made fun of my ginormous ears and my weird inability to drink from a glass? That’s his love language!”

Scott: “Guys, I’m just so gosh-darn happy to be with such fine men during this final selection process. As the only marginally less crazy senator from the great state of South Carolina, I welcome the vetting process…”

Vance: “Put a pin in it, Scott. Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of a snooze?”

Scott: (laughs) “Just every pretend girlfriend I’ve ever had!”

Bergum: “Hey, let’s not turn on each other. I propose a toast. Here’s to the Final Four, if you will!”

Vance: “The Final Four! Wait. Tim, is that milk in your glass?”

Scott: (sheepish) “Yes. I’m uncomfortable drinking giggle water.”

(Doorbell rings)

Nikki Haley: “C’mon guys. Open up! I know you’re in there.”

Scott: “Come in, but you can only stay a minute. We’re having a little celebration and it’s no girls allowed!”

Haley: Just wanted to pop by. You must feel like you’re the top contestants in a beauty pageant. (looks around) OK, maybe not.”

Scott: “Nikki, you’re MEAN! That’s why the big guy didn’t choose you.”

Haley (dryly): “Yeah, that must’ve been it.”

Burgum: “Why are you here? Is it because you want to see our special packet of documents? Ha! You didn’t get one. Too bad, so sad!”

Haley: “Just here for the show, boys. Won’t be long until y’all turn on each other.

Burgum: “I don’t know about the others, but I just want to serve my country. I will be the first vice president whose name everyone will remember!”

Vance: “You kidding? I can’t remember it NOW.”

Burgum: Very funny, J.D. You know we should stick together. We were the only ones who went to President Trump’s trial in our matching red ties! We were there to wipe his tears and frankly any other areas that might have needed attention…”

Haley: “And so it begins…”

Rubio: “OK, that’s enough. Time for you to go Nikki. Actually, I’ll walk you out. DeSantis wants a meeting to discuss his latest vision for our Florida.”

Nikki: “Close all the libraries and make women wear aprons even if they’re lawyers?”

Rubio: “Especially if they’re lawyers! Later, guys!”

Burgum, Vance and Scott gather for a final toast.

Vance: “To Mike Pence! Said no one ever!”

Burgum: “Good one, J.D.”

Scott: “I didn’t get it…”

Vance: “Of course you didn’t.”

Celia Rivenbark is a humor columnist and NYT-bestselling author. Write to her at