Lara Trump wants 'y'all to give til it hurts

Published April 25, 2024

By Celia Rivenbark

Newly anointed RNC co-chair Lara Trump’s recent impassioned plea for folks to donate money, even if they currently don’t have any, would make P.T. Barnum blush.

“If you can’t afford a donation today,” said Lara, looking sleek and sophisticated in a dress that probably cost more than my car, “I ask that you save it for a later date. But if you could donate even as much as five dollars, it will go a long way.”

Here’s Lara Trump, metaphorically unfolding her tiny cardboard sign while standing on a median in the rain. If you don’t have even five bucks to donate, save up! You can do this! The young’uns can eat mayonnaise sandwiches for another month. Meemaw can skip a week of heart pills. For the love of all that’s holy, a BILLIONAIRE needs you to do your part! How can you sit idly by, selfishly keeping your lights on so you can heat some Dollar Tree Manwich on your one-working-burner stove?

Y’all disgust me. You can’t see me right now but I’m making the exact same face Trump would make if he ever heard Lara call him her “father in love.”

Do you seriously expect a (self) important billionaire like Donald Trump to pay his own astronomical legal bills for his many trials for his many-er misdeeds? Have you no compassion for this man who brags nonstop of his immense wealth? How is he supposed to sustain that lavish lifestyle without Other People’s Money?

Oh. You saw the golden toilets and now you expect him to pay his own bills? Well, you’re a monster is all I can figure ou

Unlike those downer ASPCA ads asking for donations, Lara Trump’s tone remains upbeat during the “ask.” Ironically, she’s obviously excited about the Biden economy: Five dollars will go a long way! Apparently, somebody loves growth envied by the rest of the world, eye-popping job gains, cooled inflation, record low unemployment and a booming stock market. (Yes, Fox News viewers, it’s true. Now back to your regularly scheduled “Let’s scare the hell outta anyone wanting to visit NYC.”)

Yes! Feel good about that five dollars but if you take a whack at the kids’ piggybanks you might bump it up to seven or eight dollars. THE CHILDREN SHOULDN’T BE EXEMPT! A billionaire is in need, and they can wait another year for a bicycle. Selfish parents beget selfish children. It’s hammer time!

I haven’t seen this kind of shameless, but utterly predictable, money-grabbing since I attended a tent revival years ago. The shiny-suited TV evangelist had preached a stemwinder for an hour or so, but it was time to shake down the faithful. With the organ music getting louder and louder (take note, Lara) he wiped his brow dramatically and assured us the money collected that sultry Southern evening would “go a long way.”

He told the assembled flock, primed and ready for fleecing, that if they’d sign over their paychecks (it was Friday in a textile town), they’d be “rewarded in heaven.” And people did it. I saw them. With my own eyes.

There’s an old saying, “Charity begins at home” that Lara Trump might want to pay attention to. I’m thinking of the roughly $500,000 donated to Trump’s campaign that was spent on Melania’s hairdresser and a fashion “advisor.” So far, a whopping $50 million donated to Trump’s 2024 campaign has gone directly to his lawyers.

It’s got to stick in the craw of even the most fervent supporter to know their hard-earned cash paid for Melania to find out whether she was a “spring” or “really more of a fall.”

At least with the Bible hawking you (eventually) get something tangible for your donation. Something you can put on display in your home and point to with…your finger. What? You thought I’d say “pride?” C’mon.

Celia Rivenbark is a humor columnist and NYT-bestselling author. Write her at