Mike Lindell's defense plan? Binge watch "Suits"
Published November 2, 2023
Someone should’ve taken My Pillow huckster Mike Lindell aside and gently reminded him of the old saying: A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client.
Deciding to act as his own counsel in his upcoming defamation trials isn’t even the dumbest thing Lindell has done in the past couple of weeks. He announced he may hold a telethon to raise money to pay his lawyers for past due bills. Apparently they didn’t want to work for a warehouse or two of shredded foam that may or may not smell like soup. Just a guess.
A telethon??? The stones on this guy. Doesn’t he know telethons are for sick kids and PBS. Is nothing sacred?
“Hello! Thanks for calling the Mike Lindell Legal Defense Fund Telethon. May I take your pledge or is there any chance you will come to your senses and give your money to a legitimate charity or, in lieu of that, simply set it ablaze?”
And who would perform? Telethons are all about the entertainment factor. It’s not like you can get Trump inaugural juggernauts The Piano Guys and Three Doors Down on such short notice. What? Oh, you can? My bad.
I’d ask where Lindell got the idea that decent, hardworking Americans should pay for his legal defense like he’s some kind of VICTIM, but we all know the answer to that.
Nothing like braggy “billionaires” telling you how rich they are while insisting they shouldn’t have to pay for their own lawyers; that’s YOUR job!
I strongly advise Mike Lindell to go back to making overpriced bed pillows that, to be clear, ARE NOT LUMPY instead of trying to go all Matlock. Dumbbell, she wrote.
Also, like the old saying goes: When you have to scream at someone your pillows aren’t lumpy, that makes an ass out of you and me. No, that’s not right. Something about protesting too much is where I was headed. Lindell’s lunatic meltdown during a pre-trial deposition that left him screeching profanities and repeating how decidedly unlumpy his pillows are, has gone Ebola levels of viral. As it should. (If you haven’t seen it, pretty please Google it now and thank me later.)
Here’s another old saying: Man is known by the company he keeps. Lindell made himself so thoroughly unlikeable through his affiliation with election conspiracy nuts. Business slumped and big box stores stopped stocking his NOT LUMPY pillows. Who needs all that bad publicity when there’s a perfectly nice Serta or Simmons with nary a hint of crazypants overthrower of democracy that comes with?
Now that he’s made himself his own attorney, Lindell better hit the law books hard because he’s got three defamation trials coming up for spreading lies about the 2020 election claiming the process was rigged and fraud was committed. (All debunked.)
The once genial pillow peddler’s obsession with spreading proven lies about who won the 2020 election seems out of character. Mike Lindell used to be the affable, if mildly annoying uncle everyone secretly hoped wouldn’t be able to come to Thanksgiving this year because he never asks how YOUR job is going.
Where’s the comfy Minnesota twang that made us want to commit Tater Tot Hot Dish? Mikey got power-hungry, all emoji heart eyes ga-ga over the man from Mar-a-lago.
Don’t feel bad, Pillow boy. You’re not the first and you sure won’t be the last. When you wake up from the nightmare of bankruptcy and noisily lost fortune, perhaps you will realize the folly of thinking you could have it all.
Nah. You’ll just go to prison where you will no doubt complain about the “really very low quality” pillows in Cell Block C.
Just kidding. Mikey will probably avoid serving time in prison. But a girl can dream.
Celia Rivenbark is a columnist and NYT-bestselling author. Write to her at firstname.lastname@example.org.