The 2019 Office Congressional District Census

The outside of the envelope was printed in big bold type: “Do Not Destroy. Official Document.” Being one who generally follows rules, I wouldn’t dare destroy and couldn’t wait to open it. 

The first few lines grabbed me. “Enclosed is your official 2019 Congressional District Census registered code # J19PQ237.… Your registered census is one of the few being mailed into North Carolina’s 4^th Congressional District... Mr. Campbell because of your high level of political involvement, your personal input on the questions contained in your census document is important to our nation’s future.”

I admit feeling special, but my scam-dar alarm was also sounding. Reading this four-page letter more carefully, I learned it was commissioned by the Republican Party. Since I am neither a registered Republican nor Democrat, I had to wonder why it was mailed to me. The 11x14 2019 Congressional Census questionnaire helped with answers. It began innocuously enough, with a section labeled Political Profile, questions regarding my age, political affiliation, and my source of political information. NC SPIN was not included among their list of choices so how it could possibly be representative?

Weary of gleaning useful information, we plunged into the meat of the census. It asked if I thought Nancy Pelosi and the “Democrat-controlled” House were holding President Trump’s agenda hostage and putting their political interests ahead of the good of the country? May I be so bold as to offer a grammar tip? Democrat is a noun. Proper sentence structure dictates the use of an adjective, such as Democratic. But those Republicans who know this use the noun just to irritate them.

Next the census wanted to know if I could possibly approve of the Democrat’s (proper usage) agenda to raise taxes, provide free health care and college tuition for all, open the borders to all immigrants, enact dangerous abortion policies, pack the Supreme Court, allow inmates to vote and abolish the Electoral College? Be there a soul alive who supports all these things? Next, they wondered if I believed the national media has a strong bias against all things Donald Trump and Republican, failing to tell voters the facts about Republican policies, goals and accomplishments. Space prohibits detailing the carefully vetted, objective questions in the sections labeled Domestic Issues and National Defense, but they stopped short of asking if I was or had ever known a Communist, quit beating my spouse or, minimally, knew the chorus to “God Bless the USA. “

How dare those dastardly Democrats and the fake news media obstruct the “hot dog, apple pie, Chevrolet and motherhood” common sense agenda for Americapainstakingly laid out by President Trump and his freedom-loving supporters? 

Convinced they had gotten the blood stirring, the official census moved to the “Altar Call.” After certifying that the answers provided were my own (like I’m going to ask the checkout clerk?) I was asked to sign and date the official census document and to enclose a contribution to help the RNC get President Trump’s message out. Have they been living under a rock? Don’t they know about Trump’s tweets? No one in the history of the world has gotten more publicity than Donald Trump the last three years. My contribution would be like another gallon of water down Niagara Falls. 

Wonder if the Democrats are planning their own official Congressional District Census? This one was more entertaining than The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and I didn’t have to be an Amazon Prime member.