What I’ve learned from four years of full-time caregiving

I’ve been a full-time caregiver for my mom for four years now, but my caregiving responsibilities actually started much earlier than 2022.

I can’t pinpoint an exact time it started, but at some point I began to notice Mom having to put more time and energy into caregiving for my dad, so I started visiting the house every other week or so and would stay for roughly a week at a time.  It was to assist in caring for Dad, of course, whose challenges were becoming more apparent the longer he was on dialysis.

But it was also to help care for her, because it was starting to take its toll on her health, something she refused to admit but which my sisters and I could plainly see.

I learned a lot from her during that timeframe, and one of the most important things was that, when it comes to caregiving, you have to be able to pick and choose your battles with the person for whom you are caring.

For instance, my dad had to be careful about what he ate, and though Mom did as best she could with his diet, there were times when he was simply going to eat what he wanted. After a while, she stopped trying to get him to change his mind and just let it go in those moments, because at the end of the day, Dad was of sound mind and still fiercely independent to the extent he could be. She understood that his making such decisions, which he didn’t do often, was his small way of holding on to that independence.

I’ve learned to do the same with mom. She has to be careful with her food choices, too. Not to the extent dad had to be, but it’s enough that she and I have had a fair amount of disagreements over food, drink, snacks, etc. over the last four years, and compromises have had to be made on both our parts. We don’t have a perfect system by far, but for the most part, it works.

Related to that, something else I’ve learned is that your loved one needs to maintain as much independence as they can, with your help. As strange as it sounds, it’s entirely doable. For instance, Mom has mobility challenges, but she can still walk with the aid of her walker. She still wants to make her breakfast in the morning, but sometimes getting around to do everything she needs to in the kitchen can be a lot for her to manage.

So what I do is get out all the things she needs, like the milk, the cream cheese, the bagel, the banana, and/or whatever it is she’s planning to have. I put the ingredients on the countertop so she doesn’t have to take the extra steps of gathering everything together.  It makes her feel good to be able to prepare her breakfast on her own, even though she had a little help from me along the way.

Perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned through all of this is gratitude.  I am so grateful that the Lord provided a job for me all those years ago that I love, and where I can work from home and have the flexible schedule I need to be a full-time caregiver.

Not everyone has that choice, but I feel blessed beyond measure that I’ve had it, because there is honestly no place on earth I’d rather be than there for my mom, to help her through her health challenges, and to try to give her the best life she can have in her golden years. She deserves nothing less.

Love you, Mom. And thank you, Jesus.

North Carolina native Stacey Matthews has also written under the pseudonym Sister Toldjah and is a media analyst and regular contributor to RedState and Legal Insurrection.