Isn't it about time to get rid of groping?

Published May 7, 2020

By Joe Mavretic

The front runners of both national political parties have been accused of "groping," bless their hearts! So far, neither our governor, any appellate-level judge nor a legislative leader has been accused of groping. Doesn’t matter if this is on account of good morals or just good luck; fact is, currently, North Carolina’s elected leaders are "groping-free."

Word on the street in our state capital is that our legislative Ethics’ Committee is working on an "Anti-Groping" statute and hopes to have it enacted by the next Assembly. The intent is for North Carolina’s elected and appointed political leaders to continue to conduct "groping-free" campaigns and activities.

This bipartisan Zero Groping Tolerance (ZGT) bill is reported to be science based using beta-tested data provided by the North Carolina Individual Distance Inquiry Operations Team (NCIDIOT) located in Research Triangle Park (RTP). This group is generally acknowledged to be the source of the six and ten feet virus avoidance recommendation. A longitudinal and latitudinal study indicated that one foot (12 inches), or 30.48 centimeters, is the minimum individual distance (ID) required to inhibit groping. The auras (AURA) perceived by some "gifted mystics" also just happen to be 30.48 centimeters. 

 Sources claim that the working/talking papers already distributed to committee members suggest that if ID/AURAS become "protected space," North Carolina will become a national leader again, much like the "Good Roads State" and the "Dixie Dynamo." 

A source that may not be revealed has stated, off the record, that these five talking points may have already been circulated to committee members and leaked to selected media. 
      1. The ID/AURA distance prohibition shall apply only to humans holding, or seeking, elected or appointed state office (the term "humans" was chosen as a nod to gender awareness.) The ID/AURA prohibition shall not apply to individual family members or dogs. "Family Members" have not been defined by the legislative committee and may be left for some judge to decide-much like redistricting and "Silent Sam."   
      2. The ID/AURA distance is statutorily both proscriptive and prescriptive. A human cannot be groped by a politician who is at least an ID away and a politician cannot be groped by anyone who is an AURA away. (Stay away from questions about the "laying on of hands")
      3. The ID/AURA concept has an historic and international foundation: Ordinary humans must keep their distance from English monarchs and Japanese emperors. (Beat the globalization drum about this!)
      4. An ID/AURA strategy is commonly used by our own SBI and Federal Secret Service. (Avoid questions/comments about Kennedy/Johnson and Clinton) 
      5. In response to demands of several nation-wide, well-funded, special interest, 501.c3 political action committees, any ID/AURA claim shall require immediate indictment and the offending elected/appointed human (or candidate) must prove innocence. There is no statute of limitations and the committee hasn’t decided on minimum age. Still to be addressed is the felony class for upper body groping and lower body groping.

One the several sticky issues raised by this proposed legislation is the acronym "AG" for anti-groping. This has run afoul the State Division of Acronyms (NCSDOA) which has certified "AG" for our Attorney General. Guard Against Groping has been suggested.

 If enacted, some political actions should vanish. "Grip & Grin" will become a class #5 felony. Kissing babies will disappear on campaign trails as will hugging, handshaking and shoulder-patting. Petting Plott Hounds will still be allowed. 

As usual, the committee is hung up on fiscal implications. How many and how much will glass partitions cost? How many additional LEOs will be required and at what cost? Which department will be tasked with enforcement and at what annual cost? Will compliance costs become a reportable campaign expense? 

There are also undecided administrative issues. Will an RFP be generated to include development of Aura lenses and a requirement that design and manufacture occur in North Carolina? Will there be a minority manufacturing requirement? Which department will collect data and will "White Men" be a category? 

At least one unintended consequence has already been recognized. If enacted, the ZGT would eliminate the "Jim Hunt two-handed shake."

Stay tuned for Gropers’ Groping Groveling!