BOTTOM LINE WITH BRAD: Having difficult conversations

They are called difficult conversations for a reason. But the ironic thing is, for the most part, the difficulty is almost always in starting the conversation, not in the reaction to the topic itself. I know from my experiences that most people are self-aware enough that if I think there is a real problem that needs addressing, they do too. The problem is they don’t want to start the conversation either, so it festers. And that makes it harder on both sides.

As someone who has managed many people in my professional career, one of the most surprisingly difficult conversations I ever had illustrates this. One of my employees was underperforming badly. Missing deadlines, showing up late for meetings, unreliable work product, almost everything was off. But he was (and still is) a great person to be around, and everyone liked him. So I delayed the conversation and hoped it would get better. It didn’t.

When it was finally time for his formal end-of-year review, I was very honest with him and told him that if he continued to perform the way he had that he would be terminated in the coming months. I’ll never forget the look on his face when, rather than being defensive, angry or even surprised, he simply responded, “Thank you for being so honest. I needed to hear that.”

Approached correctly, you are likely to have a similar experience when you broach difficult financial conversations. It’s not that people are unaware they should communicate on these topics, it’s that to discuss someone’s financial success, or lack thereof, can feel like a crude judgment. Or to discuss someone’s death can feel like you don’t appropriately value their life. In fact, when broached with care and respect, the most common response is a thank you for bringing it up — they have wanted to talk about it too.

Talking to your parents about money is difficult at any age. Whether you are in high school and want to consider what college you can afford to attend or if you are my age and have elderly parents you need to discuss wishes for care and their wills with, it always feels invasive. But the alternative is so much worse — you need to find a way today to begin those conversations.

There are too many examples of kids working hard to get into a college they can’t possibly pay for, and too many examples of parents passing away without communicating their wishes and intents. My retirement team here at the department would also want me to remind you that while you’re having those conversations, please be sure that everyone has updated their financial beneficiaries and other legal designations to align with their current wishes!

Remember that financial success, or lack of success, is not a referendum on someone’s worth. And eventually, no matter who you are, someone else will have to deal with your financial affairs, despite how much you want to keep them to yourself. So spend some time today figuring out how to talk to your parents, significant other or kids about money. Discuss goals, dreams and intent. And you’ll likely be surprised by just how happy they are that you did.

Brad Briner is state treasurer of North Carolina.